AS YOU ARE out and about today minding your own business there is a good chance you will encounter two of the most annoying types who are a blight on our roads and pavements.
Firstly, cyclists. Not your casual cyclist who rides to work on a sunny morning. No. I mean the Lycra-clad menaces who fill our streets, often 2-3 abreast, who assume the rules of the road do not apply to them.
Red lights? Pedestrian crossings? No, they don't have to stop at them. In fact these morons-on-two-wheels do not want to stop for anything. Too much traffic for them to squeeze past? Not a problem, they will just go on up the pavement, knocking pedestrians out of the way if they have to. One way street? That's okay, they are only going one way. The wrong way.
Yet you so much as overtake them slightly too close, which as far as they are concerned is within 25 feet of them, they will scream and shout and make hand gestures. And it is you in your car who has to take action to avoid them when they suddenly swerve to avoid a pot-hole in the road, but it is still your fault!
Then they seem to think it is okay to ride 2-3 abreast, filling half the road. Well guess what; IT IS NOT. Why should we have to squeeze past you, or worse still go over the other side of the road, to overtake you which is putting us and other road user at risk? And just so you can have a chat. If you have to ride your bike at all, do it in a nice neat line just far enough away from the kerb to avoid the drains, just like it says in the Highway Code.
They will preach to you of course, that are 'doing their bit for the environment.' But guess what; the environment does not need saving. Since we have gone all green, the climate has gone to pot. We now get a winter which lasts 6 months with only 2 weeks of summer in compensation if we are lucky, and the extreme weather conditions which kill thousands, that used to be very rare, are now commonplace.
Yet they are actually doing far more damage to their precious environment anyway. Us normal folk, you know the ones in cars and vans, constantly have to slow down to get past them thus piling more noxious fumes into the environment they claim to care so much about. The only good thing about this of course, is that they are the ones breathing it in.
Then for reasons unbeknown to anyone, they shut entire roads at weekends for what is called a 'cycle event'. This basically means hundreds of these Lycra-clad motorcycle-wannabes flying around racing each other. We do that in our cars and we get fined, yet they are actually allowed to get away with it and we are made to stop and wait for them to go by. Unbelievable. I blame Sir Chris Hoy and Bradley Wiggins.
But cycling is not cool, not for anyone over the age 12 anyway. Let's face it, you only cycle as you cannot afford to run a car, and there is nothing cool about that.
If you are lucky enough to avoid the cyclists however, then odds are you will run into the other blight on our roads and pavements. Joggers. For some unknown reason this pastime has become a more and more popular in recent years. You cannot go anywhere without bumping them. Literally.
Heaven forbid you are actually minding your own business as a pedestrian as you will have to take evasive action to avoid being sent flying by one.
Of course it is better for them to be out running than sitting indoors watching TV, but the vast majority are not really doing very much at all. Not exactly running, just walking. Quickly. They are probably doing far more damage to their joints than anything else anyway. In fact I do not know a regular jogger who does not have problems with their knees or ankles. They will all be in wheelchairs before they are 50.
They think they are the bees-knees though. Oh yes. So much so that they can't wait to tell you all about it. Social media is now full of people 'tracking their runs'. But guess what. We don't care. You ran 3 miles in 25 minutes?? Nothing to boast about if you ask me. I can drive that far in 5 minutes, less if there are no cyclists on the road.
But it gets worse. Charity. The word that turns your blood cold. So not only do they want to get in your way as you walk down the street, flabby bits wobbly about all over the place, but they want you to sponsor them to do it.
It is for a good cause, they say. Yes a good cause that they don't really care about but are forced to support just so they can enter the stupid race in the first place. And if, God forbid, you don't sponsor them, oh they will make you feel guilty alright. But Erectile Dysfunction will survive without your 10p.
And it is not even as if they race anyway. They finish somewhere like 475th. Hang on a minute, I paid for this, the least you can do is finish in the top 10. No, for my £2.50 you should win the bloody thing!
There is a common theme here of course; Lycra. This must be the least flattering item of clothing ever invented. But it is far worse than that. It seems to have some sort of built-in personality changer. Whenever someone squeezes into these outfits, be it to jog or to cycle, they turn into a complete moron. All good manners, sense of logic and reason, go out the window.
Then, at the end of the day, they pop out of it and magically return to being human again. It is uncanny.
Yes we live in a dangerous world alright, but none so dangerous as those in Lycra.
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